you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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