I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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