Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
