I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
