Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
