I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
