im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
