is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can I color on your dick again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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