Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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