well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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