umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
