I want to make a zoo with you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
