my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
