just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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