i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
