Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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