i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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