he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
