You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
