There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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