I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
