if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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