Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
