was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
