Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
