im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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