No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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