Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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