talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
