She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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