The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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