I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
