she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
