There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
