And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We need to get me chipped asap
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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