I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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