Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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