What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
