dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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