I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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