Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
