It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
