Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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