just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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