I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We got so high we made milksteak
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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