The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
