I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
