Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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