Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So squirting runs in the family.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
