My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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