There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
