you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
